i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
