I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
