I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
