You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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