people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
