sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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