i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
