Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
