Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW