I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.