Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
