Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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