Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
