I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
