Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
