he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
