anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
