Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
