What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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