I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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