Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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