Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
