if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
