Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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