put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
