Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm passing your future prison.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
