is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
