my soul wont recognize me after tonight
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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