I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
