I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
