Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
