I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
