I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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