you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
