an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
