i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I believe in your delicious
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
