he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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