At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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