Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
