The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
