Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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