so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
