At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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