she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
