He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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