i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
