Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
