i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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