Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
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Naked. naked and bneed help.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize