are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
