i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
