from now on my penis is your penis
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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