I'm lost and stupid without you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
