my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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