I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
