I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Be still, my beating vagina.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
