if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and i looked up. we had an audience...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
