Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
