Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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