My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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