I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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